The Beastmaster (1982): 80's Fantasy Pin-up Movie

The Beastmaster (1982) Movie Review

Directed by Don Coscarelli 
Starring Marc Singer, Tanya Roberts, John Amos and Rip Torn. 
Features: Boobs, Abs, cute animals
This movie is for: Children and teenagers. 80’s fans. Fantasy enthusiasts. Whole family.
This movie is not suitable for: Sceptics, movie critics, modern audiences.

 

You remember those epic fantasy pin-up posters we had in the 80’s? With athletic heroes, strange monsters, and majestic animals, and equally athletic and nearly nude heroines crawling at their feet. This movie is one of those posters made live. In that sense, the cover of the Beastmaster 1982 does not lead astray, and is good enough to put up on a wall.
The actual theatrical release poster comes with the corniest punchline ever:

Despite of such facepalm-worthy advertising, The Beastmaster is surprisingly tame, down to earth and simply lovely specimen of a fantasy movie. Perhaps the advertizing is one of the reasons why it did not do so well on it’s release. It is not as epic as it claims to be, not as cheesy as you’d expect either, but seems to take itself somewhat seriously. In my opinion it is a good fantasy starter-pack for anyone stepping into the genre. If only it did well enough in the box office, to launch a wave of movies more like it. Then, perhaps, we would enjoy more fantasy movies that take us deeper into fantasy – instead of cheesier, which seems to be the way things went in the end.

Plot summary:

There is king called Zed, and an evil high priest called Maax. Butterface withces tell Maax a prophesy that he will be killed by King Zed’s unborn child. Maax tells one of the witches to do her thing and she transfers the baby from Zed’s wife into a cow, and then gives it an abortion. Butterface witch tries to kill the aborted baby, but some rando sees it and kills her, and saves the baby Dar.

The Rando is somekind of a warrior and teaches Dar how to fight. Dar also can telepathicly speak to animals. Dar grows up to be a cross between Conan the Barbarian and Luke Skywalker.

Then his village gets sacked by the Jun barbarians, and he goes for revenge. On his way to revenge he meets some animals who become his friends. Then he also meets a pretty slave girl and they share a moment of sprouting puppy love. Dar gets very close to scoring it, but then the girl says she must go and be sacrificed. Haunted by his blue balls Dar must stalk – I mean, save this girl. He follows her to evil sacrificers pyramid where the evil sacrifices are sacrificing children.

Getting sacrificed is the only way to die in this realm. However, the god they worship or what they sacrifice to is left somewhat vague. The baddies just looooove sacrificing. If you watch this movie, make a toast every time they say sacrifice.

Dar happens to meet King Zed’s younger son and his bodyguard. They tell him that the pretty slavegirl is King Zed’s niece – so she is Dar’s cousin? But ofcourse Dar doesn’t know they are related.

They save the pretty slavegirl and she convinces Dar to help them to save king Zed from evil Maax’s dungeon laboratory, where they turn humans into mindless beasts with glowing eyes. King zed is saved and he rallies people to take on Maax. They attack the sacrificing pyramid and the people are no help whatsoever and Dar has to do it all by himself. Maax always gets Dar, but one of his animal friends saves him and … dies unceremoniously. :,(

Then the Jun barbarians make a return and Dar rallies the useless people to fight, but again has to do it all by himself. In the end he gets some help from bird-worshipping monsters, becaue he has a bird friend. Then Dar is done with his business and walks off into the wasteland, to live a masculine wandering life, with his cousin and his animal friends.

The end

My recommendations

This movie is not a masterpiece by any means, but it captures a certain innocense and genuity that gives it a lot of charm. It is family friendly – there is barely any blood. Some animals die, but personally I find it fitting, considering the happy ending, which I will not spoil. It is important to let children face the concept of life and death. This movie is also a good place for facing nudity. Despite there being bare boobs and skimpy outfits, these themes are not portrayed in a pornographic way. The level of horror is not too high for school aged children to get a lot of nightmares, but enough to trigger imagination.

I recommend this to growing children and adult children, and anyoen who needs positive motivation to work out.

Beastmaster’s secret to great teeth: Chewstick.

Even if you live in the wild with animals, don’t let your teeth go bad. Dar surely doesn’t! But if toothbrushes and toothpaste are not yet invented in your realm, or you just forgot them home, you can break a branch off birch, mustard tree, or neem. Chew the tip brushy, and brush your teeth with it. All of these plants contain antimicrobial agents that suppress bacterial growth and the formation of plaque. Birch also contains xylitol.

Quest point:

The Beastmaster director needs your help to find the cult classic's lost negative

https://ew.com/movies/the-beastmaster-don-coscarelli/